Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Pain in the List

I went to the doctor two weeks ago because I had a pain in my throat. Not a regular pain, but this feeling like I swallowed a huge vitamin wrong and it was stuck there. It hurt. It woke me up one night so I took an Advil to dull the pain. My doctor said it might be acid reflux and gave me a prescription for the purple pill, but she said it sounded more like stress.

Lucky me. It’s my stress barometer. When I start thinking about wedding stuff, the pain comes back. When I stop, it goes away. The biggest trigger is the guest list.

There are two reasons I don’t throw many parties:

1. I worry that if I forget to invite someone they will be angry/upset with me.
2. I worry that when I invite everyone, only the nearest and dearest will show.

Basically, I don’t throw parties because of fear. I know, it’s quite egotistical to think people care that much and infantile to worry about people not liking me. But really, it’s true. So, what is the biggest party most of us throw in our lifetimes? A wedding.

I keep in touch with lots and lots of people. I like to hear what’s going on in people’s lives. I genuinely care about people. This is causing my list to swell and burst at the seams. I have people on my list whose weddings I was invited to but didn’t attend, people whose weddings I was in but haven’t spoken to in years, high school friends I speak to twice a year but not more because at the end of the day, we are really different now. Do I invite them because hey! You only get married once! Or do I keep the list small? I keep thinking, if I’m doing it anyway, I might as well invite them. I don’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt.

Feelings hurt??? Am I in junior high??? We all know we can’t have the fantastical weddings we see on TV if we don’t want to pay off debt for years to come. Okay, I’ve had moments when my feelings were hurt when I wasn’t invited. But really, I got over it. Won’t these other people? I love, or at least really like, all of them, but my budget and truthfully, my nerves can’t take worrying about 200 people’s feelings.

The only people who really matter are the ones who will show up no matter what. They are the ones who don’t care if I serve Ruffles in a Tupperware bowl and onion dip in a sour cream container and wear an eggplant colored wedding dress like one of them dreamed. They don’t care about themes or matching bridesmaid dresses. They want to see us happy. They want to have fun and kick up their heels. They are the ones I speak to all the time.

In my ideal world, I would want everyone there. A sort of “This is Your Life” wedding, but in the real world, I can’t afford it financially or mentally. As it is, I will be popping Xanax like peanuts if I don’t change something.

1 comment:

Heidi said...

Go for the onion dip!
(somehow I knew you'd blog about this)