Friday, February 23, 2007

Smuggly Engaged?

When I was single, I read articles about missing being single, and I scoffed. Alone with my fashion magazine on a Friday night, I laughed out loud. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding! Miss this?! Miss sleeping alone? Miss not having sex? Give me a break! I will laugh in the face of this silly woman writer! I will LAUGH!

But here I am: mourning my single self. I don't miss the lonely Friday nights or lack of sex. I miss being called to go out on a moments notice (even though most times I already have plans). I miss what I know. I’m lost in this transition space of not being married and not being single. Don't get me wrong. I am ecstatic to be marring my German. I can't wait to see him when I walk down the aisle. I like seeing him everyday. But the single woman I was, the one I identified with for years, is changing. When Rebecca was in town last weekend, we met some of her friends out for drinks. All of them single. I felt like a foreigner. I felt like they looked at me like I was different. I felt like they looked at me the same way I looked at married women when I was single - like I had no idea what it was like to look for a man in in your thirties. I wanted to shout, “ I know how you feel! I was just there!” And under my breath, “Thank god I found my fiance.”

I'm worried my single friends will forget me when I am married, thinking I have my husband to do things with. I'm worried I'll become a smug married and self-centered who wonders why my single friends aren't putting themselves out there more when looking for a mate. I'm scared I'll get fat and lose my fashion sense because I am no longer on the prowl.

I'm sure I will make smug comments. I already did to Rebecca when she was here, but I quickly apologized and begged her to tell me when I do it again. I also told her I said it because I love her and I only want the best for all of my friends. I want everyone to be treated like a queen by the man in their lives. I miss my single self, but my sweet German who starts all of his emails with "Beautiful Sarah" and brings me flowers for no reason is making the transition much easier.

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