The Whole Package

We've all heard it: you don't just marry the person, you marry their family. Actually, it's not just the family - you get the friends, too. This past weekend, my fiance's friends from Portland came to visit.

Saturday, I met up with everyone at breakfast. Breakfast went well. They were great. Funny, personable. After eating, we went back to my fiance's apartment to hang out and talk. They asked how we met. We asked them how they met. We talked about first dates. We told them about meeting sushi. Liam, the husband, said, "We had sex on our first date. It was great!" His wife corrected him and said, "No, no. We didn't have sex. I gave you a blow job." Alrighty! This comment led to how great nudie bars are in Portland, and how they love going to them. Apparently, dancers can bare all and the bars can serve alcohol (this is illegal in LA and Las Vegas). Plus, the strip clubs have really cheap food. Great! Just what I want! A $5 steak with a side of pussy!

After stripping, the topic of guns came up and how easy it is to get a license to carry a concealed weapon in Oregon. She has one. She even has a holster to carry it in the back of her pants, but all of her pants are too tight so she carries her small gun in her purse. In case of a mugging, it probably isn't the best idea. Hold on! You can't have my purse! I need my gun!

Before Saturday, I thought I was open minded, but as the day progressed, I started feeling incredibly white bread. Maybe we should try something other than missionary position. I've never even shot a gun that wasn't armed with water. As for stripping, the closest I've gotten was when I took the much-talked about stripper class. I kept my clothes on and danced in front of other women. It was PG-13 at best.

Thankfully, in between stripping, guns, and porn, which Liam openly says he loves, he also told stories about the bitches (his words, not mine) my fiance dated before me and tales of the cultural differences my fiance encountered when he first arrived in the states. Suffice it to say, Germans are clueless about costumes for Halloween. I loved hearing stories that my fiance wouldn't think of telling me.

Towards the end of the day, they asked what I thought of them. "My fiance's gun-toting, porn-loving friends? Ya'll are great!" Luckily, we all laughed, and I was telling the truth.